the weight of one piano and another undisclosed amount

oh man, is this book terrible or what? i read and read and read and read the scripture on these pages as a mirror to reality and the downfall of imagination .. it's spitting ink in my face, fucking dripping from my brow to my chest and down to my waist and legs, knees, feet, toes. i'm bathing in acid and salt, as so gracefully ungraceful an air is hung around my five senses like the hangman's noose on the eve of death. tainted and sickly scrubbing my wounds..tainted and frantically scrubbing me clean of the memories of you and i before they were ever soiled and shot. sunshine sunshine sunshine sunshine sunshine fucking christ i want sunshine as much as i am in love with the cloudy day and the tears of rain, i want blue skies of carelessness rejecting self-doubt and pity for the poor and weak.. wooden floors polished like the GLEAM of hope that is virtually invisible and practically lost. i want to shave my entire body from head to toe and curl up in a river to cleanse me of this one-sided hate and romance and just be completely nude of everything before i am dragged under and destroyed by the endless-ceasing current that is drowning me

burn it down

things seem to be finalizing. i knew they would. this leaves me with the same window that was by my bedside in the whatley apartments that night. i can lay there and burn, or i can get my ass out of there. i enjoy living. i can't afford to keep weighing myself down. i have opportunities that are being presented to me, and i want to jump. fuck that bed, that house, the fire.. i'm getting out. i'm scared though. i want to feel at home. i know i won't. not for a while. it's ok though. i'll be fine. i need to live.

A letter [volume one]

Dearest,

I'm attending a funeral today.. a farewell to something as beautiful as the cyan sky seen through the ring in the stars. I feel immense sorrow, uncontrollable, irrepressible, and overwhelming. I feel a frigid pain, wounding, vindictive, and poisonous. My eyes are narrow. I'm trying to blind myself. I slept in my car this night previous, wrapped in a piece of cloth you gave to me. I was comfortably uncomfortable. I was snow. I felt more at home in that steel cage than I did my own house. I'm so worn down. I want to swim. At least long enough to escape everything and to live amongst the waves and the clouds, the mountains and plains, and myself. I'm so terrified of attending today. The sight of the casket of what was and what could have been is so frightening. It disturbs my heart to witness you there as well. I've been reduced to ash, and you to liquid. We both escape through the wind and rivers, flowing away from the ceremony in opposite directions. I am lost. The globe spins so fast that I am fixed, immovable through time. I'm hanging, suspended in this hopeless intimate feeling from yesterday and beyond. As I am writing this my fingers are becoming rigid and stiff, my eyelashes are falling out, my skin is wrinkling and and my bones are becoming an example of poor nutrition. I am having a heart attack. I am dying. I'm alone today, sitting in the front row, glancing at this intricate coffin and peering into the romantic bouquets of life and death. I am not religious. However I yearn for the escape to the gates where we can meet again in a place like Heaven after we are dead and forgotten. A vine of fruit and a loss of time, I'll miss you.

Love,

Nathaniel

the weather of clouds

i scaled the great, giant wall to it's peak

and i look over.

i see now through the blues and greens 

that fear is not alone but alone is fear itself.

i've driven over, through the flora of the heart and feet.

i was guilty and i covered my eyes.

i covered my eyes on my ascent to a case of honest truth!

i haven't any support.

            one leg in brick, one leg in doubt.

abandon me? your mothership. jump!

oh oh mutiny of my grasp, i love and loathe.

i've failed you, crew, 

i've run us into the great, giant wall.